I was exchanging emails with a dear friend this week, who is struggling with choices and feeling like she will never escape the anger that has built up inside of her as a result of her choices and the choices of others. She's ready to get real with God - and I thought my final, Holy Spirit led, comment, would be something we all could relate to...here goes:
Have you ever read anything by Brennan Manning? I highly recommend "The Ragamuffin Gospel" and "The Signature of Jesus." These are EXCELLENT books that help to lead you on the experience that you're looking for (getting real with God).
I was talking to my spiritual mentor today about something I'm calling the "indellible mark of choice." If you stop to think about it, the result of most choices aren't experienced immediately. It's the build up, over time, that we come to realize the consequences of our choices and see the mark that they've left.
The choice to change is one that we often make in the depths of our misery. My cry was always, "just get me out of this pain." In desperation I would try the behaviors that I learned from the church (prayer, bible reading, service, tithe, etc.) to attempt to "do" my way into a relationship with God. I looked really good on the outside to a lot of people. The truth is, all my doing wasn't getting me into the close relationship that I (and all of us, ultimately) long for. It was when the path was cleared and I learned to "be," with all of my faults, frailties, failings and foolishness, that I began to experience a relationship with God that was real and authentic. Prayer, devotions, service, etc. are the fruit of a right relationship - not the path to a right relationship.
The enemy wants to parade the negative part of our humanity in front of us and keep us wrapped up in the fact that we don't deserve God's gift - which is true, but irrelevant to accepting the gift. God loves you - he loves the angry little girl, who is screaming in her own way "it's not fair." More importantly He agrees with her - it's not fair! And He wants to be the one to comfort her and to make it right. But God makes it right in His terms and in His timing. Ours is not to set the terms, but to accept that He will do what He says He will do and in His own time.
If you really want to meet God in the way that you're hoping for - you have to go to him with all of the "ugliness." You can't "clean up" good enough to be acceptable to Him. It is because of the blood of Jesus that you are acceptable to Him - and NO OTHER REASON! Don't intellectualize, don't reason, just allow Him to see you as you really are. Don't tell Him what you want to be - it doesn't matter! He knows what He created you to be and He will be faithful to you when you meet him at the point of surrender.
Like I said before - choice leaves a mark - and just because you've decided doesn't mean you've arrived. It takes time to understand what the investment will be and the reality of the results of our choice. You can't imagine what those results will be anymore than you could know who and what your children would become while you were pregnant with them. This is a good place for Proverbs 3:5-6!
He who has begun a good work in you will be faithful to complete it! Keep the faith and remember even Paul had a thorn in his flesh to contend with!
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